Gay Virgin   Couldn't sleep at all last night. But don't really know what worried me most - dreading my exam results, or the fact that at eighteen I feel like the world's oldest gay virgin. Being eighteen is great! Being glad to be gay is even better! So why I am still a virgin? I mean I try to tell myself that somebody else has to be or else why would the word 'virgin' be in the dictionary. Perhaps that's it! The word is only in the dictionary because of me! If I didn't exist then neither would the word! Like this morning was typical. I was woken by the sound of someone cleaning the windows. I opened the curtains and there he was - a 'dream hunk', his shirt removed to show off his perfect pecs. Now if like was really like a porno movie all I'd have to do was open the window, smile and he'd climb in, take the rest of his clothes off and before the "Boogie Nights" director could yell 'cut', Gay Virgin would merely be Gay... Of course, when I opened the window he asked me to close it so that he could clean it properly. I mean, I couldn't believe it! A window cleaner has actually come to my house to clean the windows. Not at all like the movies! Next the plumber arrived, saying that he needed to check my waterworks. How could I refuse? After all, if this had been another blue movie, he would have undressed, shown me his plunger and before the censor could stick a strategically placed star, we'd both be well and truly flushed! Again, I couldn't believe it when he just got straight to work. Collecting my results was easy after that. I had even done quite well and passed. I wasn't at all surprised then to be stopped on my way home by a parade of fresh faced and oh so cute sailors. The fact that I live no where near the sea didn't seem to bother me. There were thirty of them, so applying the mathematical formula "1 in 10" (great name for a magazine!) three at least had to fancy me. And had this been a scene from another top-shelf video, they'd have asked me where to stick their flagpoles and I'd have been only too happy to show them! As always, couldn't believe it when they just marched on past. Life, it seems, is nothing like a porno movie. And probably never will be. So what if I did bomb with the window cleaner, the plumber and all the thirty sailors, at least I'd got the results I needed. Next stop: University, where who knows what may happen........   Jason, aged 18, Sheffield. And Jason, if your reading this, thankyou kindly! Please send the next installment ASAP! Cheers!